I really thought I had it ..

Geez .. takes like 30 seconds for me to ruin my day. And someone else's.

and since this sat all night- it appears that it only takes me getting involved in whatever is going on to make it all come out ok.

So .. if you join into something that's already running - sometimes you become a part instead of a fifth wheel.

Who knew?

Once again ..

in analyzing .. me .. it seems I'm the only one that's really responsible for .. me. I guess that seems self evident - at least when it's actually put down in black and white. But don't we tend toward blaming others? I mean - usually we are more subtle than that, we don't actually blame others in most cases. But don't we often excuse our actions by thinking about other people actions and the extenuating circumstances caused but them? After all .. if she hadn't done THIS, then I'd not have had to do THIS. And so on. And as long as this takes place internally - sometimes even under what WE are looking at in error correction and control - we don't notice it as being blame.

But .. it is. Or an excuse. Which is probably actually worse.

Anyhow. .. I had a nice long look at me today, and I don't necessarily like what I saw. Not to say I'm a horrible demon or anything but I subtly try to blame others for my shortcomings.

Something I'll have to watch for.

Time flies

whether you're having fun or not.

It's been several days since I wrote here. I guess that may be a good sign - I HAVE come to look at my mantra several times.

I'm still having a problem, but it's nothing like as sharp. I'm trying to analyze it and see what the real issue is. There's always something that is the root cause of .. everything.

I'm guessing the root of this one is simple - I don't want to be left out. Running, and jumping - or playing games, or whatever - it's all the same. We don't want to be left out.

My two friends can't really see that since they are stable - they are not the ones being left out. And it's fairly subtle - it almost has to be experienced by someone to know what I'm saying. But .. when two friends that used to be YOUR best friends start spending more and more time with each other. Doing things, running around and talking together .. and I'm always welcome, but it's not comfortable so many times.

So. I'm going to do what I should have done long ago.

Just let it lie.

I'm not sure what to think.

The hardest part about trying to control - or more accurately to smooth out - your anger and your temper is trying to decide when something actually DOES require an angry response. We can't simply stop being angry at everything, for one thing, bad things really DO exist in the world. And we can't just ignore them - sometimes something needs to be done about them. And - usually simply caring feeling words can't quite cover that. If someone cuts off your love's head and stuffs it in a dumpster, kind words and "He was just misunderstood" don't cut it. Personally, I'd wanta scratch his (or her) eyes out.

So, how do we decide?

What's worthy of a response. And when is the best response .. nothing?

An epiphany..

albeit a rather sad one.

It IS me. Or at least a goodly portion of my problems are from me.

I think it's a lot of stress .. or at least that's the current word for it. We are moving, remodeling, and selling our house, all at once. Since any two of those things are marriage killers, I can see the problem.

Of course, it's also that I'm moving from comfortable if boring surroundings to something new - and I haven't dealt with "new" for over 25 years. Also, I've been with this company for about 18 years, so I have senority and a modicum of respect built up. Four weeks of vacation will be hard to replace right out of the box, and who knows if the pay will be as good. I can only hope.

Anyhow. . in restrospect I've been snappish and irritable for months .. and I guess it finally came to a head.

Obviously this doesn't help the poor person down below who has a "man problem" but almost everything else I can think of will be helped by a hefty dose of "it's my fault" when I actually MEAN it.

And of course, when I do something positive about it.

Didn't I say "life is hard" down there somewhere? Well, nothing has changed ..

Gee

Could it all be my fault?

So .. I'm doing well so far ..

Here it is SUNDAY night .. no major arguments for at least 24 - 36 hours. Gotta be a record.

What is a slut ..

It's such an interesting word. And concept.

I have a friend that is not speaking to me right now. And it's because I called her a slut. Of course, I didn't CALL her a slut. But she was complaining about not being able to develop a real relationship with someone. That all men wanted from her was sex. And I told her .. that she needed to stop sleeping with so many of them and look a little harder for one that was interested in some other way than simply bed. Her frigid reply was that she had only been with six men in 2008 and that was only one per month. And then she said that was calling her a slut.

And I suppose, in a way, it was. But mostly because of the WAY she handles her relationships. It wasn't like those six men had been sequential - like having a relationship with one that lasted a few week, then moving on to another one that lasted a few weeks. Unfortunately while I'm sure she's accurate in saying six men in 2008, at least three of them are repeaters. That is, they thread in and out of her life. She will get mad at one of them and won't screw him for a month, then she calls her or he calls her and they are back in bed. One of them is so usual that he comes over to her house for "lunch" about once a week - and that has continued for over a year. All through the times she has had other "relationships". Now, I may not be the best one to talk about that, but I DO generally finish with one before I go to the next. Of course it doesn't help HER case much that she's generally dating married men - out of those six, I beleive four of them are married. And of course, two of them are ones that SHE has been married to before.

It begs the question - why do we do this to ourselves?

I noted the article on John Edwards this morning. I'd heard a little about it in the preceding week, but I "assumed" it was that they had uncovered something that was from ten years ago, and should have been left un-exhumed. Not the case. Less than two years ago. While he was "ascending" in politics.

Now .. how the hell do you account for that? He just can't manage to keep his pants zipped? This is a guy that is on the rise, he's run for vice-president. Even purely pragmatically, his wife is RICH. Why would he jeopordize all that for a few minutes of pleasure.

I know. When men start thinking with their "little head" it's hard for them to think at all, for all that the blood is all rushing TO that head. It seems to have no common sense. Except "feed me, feed me".

Relationships are so impossible.

I'm thankful that my love is my love always. After ten years, surely the cracks would be showing, right? The seven year itch is three years in the past. Am I safe?

Mantra revisited ..

They are both my friends, and I love them. I need to let them be happy in ALL our friendships by allowing them to share their time together without jealousy or anger toward either or both of them.

I'm doing well, so far. But of course, we haven't had much time together. I have a feeling I'll be visiting this area frequently. Of course, if the visits stop altogether it's likely that I've finished that part of my life.

A mantra ..

They are both my friends, and I love them. I need to let them be happy in ALL our friendships by allowing them to share their time together without jealousy or anger toward either or both of them.

Why me?

In the end, don't we have to work toward what makes those we love, happy? And if you have two friends who are happy together, then you MUST allow them that happiness - right? Even if it causes you hurt or grief? And why should it anyhow? It's not like you LOOSE anything by them having time together. You continue to get the same return on investment that you always have. That is to say, you get the friendship and happiness of happy friends. And happy friends are good friends, yes?

If that's all so, why do I want to keep my friends just to myself and not share? Pure selfishness?

I'll consider.

Something's wrong...

What am I supposed to do when I feel attacked? What do NORMAL people do? I don't think I qualify as normal, but .. just for the sake of argument.

I'm having a regular conversation, I'm jazzed .. seems like a good night. And then she tosses a clinker in there .. "well, why are you doing to do that" sort of thing.

So .. I hit pause. And then I asked her if she was just turning my crank. And she said no. But she was trying to get the lines straight.

And I knew what she meant. I knew what she was talking about. But .. it's supposed to .. be .. me and her against the world, you know? I mean .. she's always supposed to be on my side. Even when I'm wrong. .. Hell, especially when I'm wrong.

"The Lines" are always a hard question. I mean .. the lines are always blurred, right? So, you really can't get a handle on them. I mean .. a few obvious ones and even those have exceptions. Right?

Does everything have exceptions? And how do we deal with that? Why is life so complicated...

I want her to live her life. Why does it have to be by my rules? I tend to want to take my toys and go home when something like this comes up. Mostly 'cause I don't want to deal with the arguments that seem to always follow.

I'm tired. I'm SO tired ..

While the iron is hot ..

I know. I"ll post like hell for three days . and then not see it again in months.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'll be a good little blogger.

ANd talk about my friends. ANd sort out my feelings about their problems.

Freeking ..

I have several very strange friends. Or at least they seem so to me. I suppose to them I seem a little strange.

Anyhow, I think I'll have to vent my feelings about them here - since they drive me up a wall and I can't SAY anything to them for fear of hurting them.



I'm such a pansy.